OH-MY-GOD youguys. I have discovered like the best new workout. EVER. You know how I’m always going into my closet in the morning (or, you know, whenever pj time is over, if for some reason it has to end that day), on the mornings when I don’t just put yesterday’s clothes back on, and looking around and kind of shoving stuff from side to side and then I throw myself down on the bed and say I don’t have anything to wear even though by some mirage it looks like there are numerous articles of clothing hanging in a reasonably organized fashion right there like three feet away from me?
You are gonna freak out. Totally. I have INVENTED a new thing. Aerobox (pronounced [ai-roh-boks] (like aerobics but ‘box’ at the end instead). A complete cardio workout with built in strength training and you don’t need any fancy equipment or embarrassing yoga pants. Here’s what you do: Pack like everything you own which should include tons and tons of stuff you never use but might someday into a bunch of boxes. Label some of the boxes but not others and then unpack some of them and repack them with different stuff that is totally dissimilar and then don’t rewrite a new label on the box. Extra credit if you reuse old boxes with labels from the past and then don’t cross out the old label so you aren’t totally sure which of the two descriptions is correct. Extra extra credit if, since you’re finally moving to your own house, you ask your parents to bring up all of the stuff that has been stored in their house for about 20 years (so clearly stuff you are gonna use, like, today) and make sure those boxes are also not labelled or maybe just have the word ‘Jen’ on each one. There should be at least 12 of these but probably more like 30.
Ok, ohmygosh I’m so excited. So then you move all of those boxes to a new house. Make sure not to indicate to the movers what goes where (except by using like bright pink stickers that clearly indicate which room each box belongs in) and try not to be present when they are asking questions about anything. Again, extra credit if you are having plumbing or other work done in most storage spaces in the house so that all boxes must be deposited wherever the heck someone felt like putting them at that moment.
Here’s where it gets good. Now try to function! I promise you: you will lose weight, you will get in shape, and you will look great doing it! And since you don’t have mirrors, no way to know otherwise. A total win-win! The great thing about this is you can just keep moving those boxes from one place to another for days in a row. Upstairs, downstairs. You can put them in one place so that you can clean another place, then move them back.
And, youguys, my pants buttoned this morning. That one pair of pants that I have for going to work that I’m starting to suspect my colleagues might know is my only pair of pants – they buttoned. And I can still breathe! I did it – after just one week of aerobox, coupled with surviving on ham crusts and whatever is left on my children’s plates for a week, I can button my one pair of pants! I’m like totally taking a selfie and posting it on Facebook.